Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 28 March 2012

image for Local Man Panics - Amasses Huge Stockpile Of Pies, Pasties And Belgian Lager
The Pies Have Come!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock today announced that in order to keep up with panic buying in the UK - just in case something happens - he has spent the last three hours panic buying pies, pasties and Belgian lager across virtually every supermarket in the area.

Shuttlecock justified his actions by citing idiotic motorists who were panic buying petrol when there's really no need to. He explained that although tanker drivers had agreed in principle to take strike action, they have not yet specified dates and times when the public are likely to be affected, and in any case, Dave's Takeaway at Downing Street have been making contingency plans, by training the army to deliver petrol supplies.

However it pans out, Shuttlecock was taking no chances.

"I'd had a phone call from Ken Mither up in that Yorkshire, and he was warning me to get stocked up coz all these silly bastards are panic buying petrol. When he explained that at this rate there'd be no petrol left for the pie vans and the beer trucks, I knew I had to act. So I had the wife don the old gladrags, and I went out and bought all the pies, pasties and Belgian beer I could get me hands on. It's a double sucker punch really. I screw the Exchequer for the VAT on all the pies, and because I can't get me hands on petrol, I just throw a sicky at work, saying I can't get in, and then sit all day at home supping beer, smoking fags and downloading internet porn. Until the football comes on. Result mate! Effin sorted!"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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