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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

image for Yorkshire Chips N Gravy Campaigner Ken Mither Backs Greggs In Pie And Pastie VAT Row
Yippee Pie Oh! Yippee Pie Aye! Pie Eaters In The Sky!

Well known chips and gravy campaigner, Ken Mither, of Cleckhuddersfax, West Yorkshire today announced that he would be backing legal moves by bakery giant, Greggs to oppose the imposition of VAT on pies, pasties, and sausage rolls.

Further, Mr Mither added that he hopes that other piemaking giants, such as Ginsters of Cornwall, Peter's Pies, and Hollands pies of Baxenden, will also add their backing to his and Greggs opposition.

Share prices in piemaking oufits plummeted a bit following the budget announcement, something which particularly got Ken Mither's back up, as he had rather taken to the new Ginsters Meat Feast Pastie, a succulent pastie combo of meatballs, chicken, pepperoni, English cured ham, and mature cheddar cheese, in a tasty tomato sauce - which currently retails at twice the price it was retailing for only last week.

Mr Mither expressed his outrage that the government have chosen to whack the tax on pies and pasties, claiming that they should have put extra VAT on luxury foods only - pinpointing such items as caviar, strawberries, sea salt, balsamic vinegar, rocket, aubergines, grouse, sea bass, lobster, blueberries, shark steaks, ostrich sausages and osprey eggs.

In a detailed statement, Ken Mither decried the budget as being yet another attack on the unemployed, and on poor working class people, who like a pie and a pint occasionally. He was specific about the fate of single mothers who can't cook for shit, who rely on pies, spuds, and mushy peas to feed their kids when they push the boat out at weekends.

Pies, frequently described as 'the thinking man's alternative to cheeseburgers, kebabs, pizza and fried chicken' appeared to be enjoying something of a resurgence - until the budget whammy. And the pastie has been described as 'a cornerstone of Britishness' by historians, who only last week attributed the humble Cornish Pastie to the rise of the Cornish tin mining industry.

"It's outrageous is this!" Ken Mither commented. "Putting VAT on pies? It's ridiculous. Last week up the shops a pastie and eight cans of lager cost me nine pound. This week it's costing me ten pound fifty. That's one pound fifty a day on top of what I was already paying. That's over eight pound a week and a lot of money over a year. Petrol's gone up too. It used to cost me twenty eight pee in petrol under Labour to drive round tert shops, now it costs thirty seven pound fifty, and it's only a five minute walk! Add to that the extra VAT on pies and pasties, and the extra duty on beer, and eight cans of lager, and a pie, cost me summat like forty five bloody quid! And if I wants another beer ter get one o'er t'th'eight, I've to go out in't car again (Possible jail sentence for drink driving not included in official figures - Ed) an' that's another soddin' thirty seven pound fifty, on top o what I 'ave ter pay for me ale and me pies! I'd give yer th'exact figures burra forgot me calcleator. It's a bloody scandal, it's nowt else. It's a damn good job I live close tert ferry so's I can pop o'er ter Belgium ter get me baccy. Bloody tories? I've shittum!"

Strong words indeed there from Ken Mither, who has challenged the Cameron to respond.

David Cameron's office stated quite clearly that the Prime Sinister would be prepared to discuss the situation with Ken Mither, or Greggs, or anybody else for that matter over lunch at Downing Street.

For two hundred and fifty thousand pound.

More as we get it.

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