Written by Maxwell House
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Monday, 19 March 2012

image for Cameron to Sell his Own Mother
Saviour of the UK economy or just an old bag?

David Cameron has further advanced his privatisation plans, by announcing that he is to sell his own mother to sovereign wealth funds from countries such as China. He is expected to deliver a pre-budget speech calling for radical action to improve Britain's infrastructure. His mother's upkeep has long been a drain on the public purse and the PM clearly feels that the time is right to sell her to the highest bidder.

A feasibility study is to be carried out by a couple of extreme right wing idiots, paving the way for Mrs. Cameron to be put on the market some time in 2014. The PM's plan, modeled on the highly successful rail privatization, will see sovereign wealth funds and pension funds given the right to lease his mother over a long period. They would be set a series of targets, for example to get her to learn how to set the VCR to record an episode of Emerdale or learn how to disguise the smell of stale urine that so plagues the elderly. The Chancellor, George Osbourne, recently travelled to China with a photograph of the PM's mother in a bid to drum up trade.

If her new owners met their targets they would receive a proportion of her pension and a lifetime's supply of boiled sweets. The PM is expected to make it clear that the poor state of the nation's economy has forced him to take very drastic action. With the proposals to sell off the NHS still being debated, the PM now produces a plan to sell his own mother. The zeal for wide-scale privatization remains unabated, and if this latest scheme is considered a success it is likely to lead to the sell-off of the entire nation's elderly. The wankers bankers NM Rothschild have suggested that the sale of the PM's mother could raise in the region of a tenner.

David Cameron remains resolute in his desire for privatisation.

"Much good work has been done, with patients in our hospitals about to be sold down the river. However, there is much work still to be done. By selling my mother I am taking the lead. Now go and sell yours too."

Cameron's scheme will see a regulator, Ofmum, overseeing the new providers of motherly service to the PM. The regulator will carry out annual reviews to ensure that his bedroom remains just the way he left it when he moved out. The government believes that the scheme illustrates that even in dire economic times they will continue to press ahead. It could also symbolize that the government are a bunch of crackpots.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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