Written by Simon Saunders
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Topics: bread, toast

Monday, 27 February 2012

image for Lord Sweetener's New Toaster Turn's Sour
The 'Toast-a-Matic 900' at the centre of the complaints.

Owner of Hamstrad electronics and all round business genius, Lord Alan Sweetener, yesterday denied that his latest product was of inferior quality.

Around 300 customers have complained about the 'Toast-a-Matic 900'.

According to one customer, Pete Bunion, 36, from the Towcester area. The 'Toast-a-Matic 900' burned his toast "a little bit."

Bunion explained further. "It wasn't until I checked the switch on the side of the toaster that I realised it only had one setting, 'slightly burn't.' If I'd known that before, I would not of bought the damn thing as I like my toast lightly done. There should be a warning on the box."

However, that wasn't the only problem Mr.Bunion experienced.

Mr Bunion waffled on. "Not only did it slightly burn my toast but I nearly suffered decapitation as well. I was enjoying watching my bread being toasted, as I always do, when it unexpectedly shot out of the toaster like a bullet, whistled past my head and straight through my kitchen ceiling."

Bunion continued to whine on. "It could of had my eye out. At worst it could've taken my head off. Thankfully I only suffered singed eyebrows, but if I'd been leaning a inch further forward I'd be in a wooden box now. It's a death trap, and frankly, it should be withdrawn immediately."

The 'Toast-a-Matic 900' is believed to have caused PTSD (Post Toasting Stress Disorder) in around 250 of the customers who have complained so far.

However, Lord Sweetener dismissed the claims, saying, "It's all bleedin' rubbish. These bleedin' soppy idiots need a bleedin' slap if you ask me. Honestly, a toaster that fires toast out with the speed of bleedin' bullet? Do me a bleedin' favour!"

Lord Sweetener spouted on, "The appliance in question has been through our usual rigorous testing procedure at our testing centre in bleedin' Tottenham. All these people are bleedin' stupid, and you can't legislate for stupidity."

The Minister for Toasting, Harriet Dodgem, was unavailable to comment as she is currently nursing a burn't eyeball.

However, a source close to the minister said that she was considering introducing new toaster regulations as soon as her eye has healed and she returns to work.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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