Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 27 February 2012

image for New Government  Scheme Will Create Millions Of Jobs!
Harold Macmillan was a firm believer in pointless jobs!

A new government jobs creation scheme is to be brought in this April. From April all current back-to-work schemes will be gradually phased out. Announcing the new scheme today Prime Minister David Cameron said he fully expects it to create millions of extra British jobs 'in no time at all'.

The scheme will be called AJ4u (A Job For You), he went on the explain how millions of extra jobs would be created. He said they will be created by simply increasing the amount of pointless jobs already being done in Britain by what he estimates to be at least 75% of the UK's adult working population.

AJ4u will initially be filling the pointless jobs with Britain's unemployed under 25s, though Mr Cameron said the the scheme would be extended to include all unemployed ages later this year. Insisting the decision to phase out current back-to-work schemes was not connected to recent allegations of fraud he nevertheless admitted that AJ4u would not involve any privately run organisations or employers. The new jobs, he said would in effect make the government both the scheme's operator and then also the employer. Explained Mr Cameron,

"One advantage of this will be that it will cost taxpayers much less than in the past. We were paying private employers thousands of pounds to 'take on' an unemployed person for a few months only to then find them being replaced by another, with the employer getting another few thousand pounds. With AJ4u the government would be the employer and we'll only be paying out a wage perhaps at most fifty pence more than the JSA benefit. And these pointless jobs need not be temporary. People could carry on doing them for years."

The Prime Minister then went on to make it absolutely clear that AJ4u was not a new idea as such.

"Actually," he said, "it was Harold Macmillan who first came up with the idea of creating pointless jobs when he was Britain's Prime Minister back in the 1950's. Since then the policy has been continued by every British government with the difference to now being that in the past there'd always been the belief that we'd need to have people believing the pointless jobs they were doing served some sort of useful purpose to society. Previous generations were far too thick to realise their jobs were completely pointless anyway.

"Today's young generation are sadly not as thick," he said. "They learn things from the internet instead of watching our TV news propaganda and anyway have enough common sense to realise that with all the machines now able to do things once requiring people's hands it's no longer possible for a worthwhile job to be found for everyone to do. Fortunately today's young people are also more selfish. Whether or not a job they do has any worthwhile purpose to society doesn't matter to them.

"What they want is money. And of course if any unemployed person refuses to do these AJ4u pointless jobs we'll be stopping their unemployment benefit and leaving them with no money at all.

"So frankly we no longer need to pretend that these jobs are anything other than completely pointless. In fact the only point they serve is to keep people's minds occupied, which of course is why we all refer to our jobs as our occupations. AJ4u will certainly do that."

Asked to explain in more detail the exact nature of the pointless jobs unemployed people will be required to do from April this year the Prime Minister explained,

"Unemployed people will need to have been signing on for at least three weeks before qualifying for a place on AJ4u. During those three weeks we'll be sending them to receive a few days expert training. Basically just how to use a shovel.

After training they will then be interviewed by a careers adviser at the Job Centre. They will be told that they have two full time work options available to them. Either they can choose to spend each day digging holes, or, alternatively they will be able to choose the slightly easier job of filling the holes back in again. Naturally because digging a hole is the more strenuous of the two pointless occupations those who choose to work as hole diggers will receive an extra fifty pence in their wages at the end of each month."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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