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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

image for Nottingham Health & Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair
The Hook-a-duck Stall amongst others Closed Down!

Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council's Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: "They were in breech of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive's guidelines".

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down the fair.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breech of the Council's H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

The Coconut Shy:
Stall-holder: Abdul Hallakim - Taxi Driver
The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the August 2012 riots.
We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would used 'screwed up paper towels' in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.
Closed Down

The Hook-a-duck Stall
Stall-holder: C. Senor - Restaurant Proprietor
We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.
After laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm and curry powder.
Closed Down

The Rollercoaster Ride
Stall Manager: Shamus O'Reilly - Unemployed
Bearing in mind the possible dangers, and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population.
Closed Down

The Bingo Stall
Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser - Milkman
It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English, that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.
The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.
Closed Down

The Take Away Food stall
Stall-holder: Marsha Mellow - Schools Dinner Operative
We were concerned about the Local Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since.
Warning Issued

Accident Claim Specialists Stall
Stall-holder: Sue Emall - Solicitor for Henrique Malobodu Solicitors
After a 15 minutes of observing this stall, it was recorded on camera, the stall-holder laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Luckily only a Big Issue seller was injured.
Closed Down

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes offered.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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