Written by Vatican McDowell
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Topics: Police, Movies

Thursday, 2 March 2006

image for Era of mismatched cop buddies now just two days from retirement
Are the Halcyon days of policing truly gone?

Recent figures from the National Office of Statistics are set to confirm the worst fears of the Home Office and afficionado's of generic 80's cop movies across the UK today: mismatched partnerships are no longer working in Britains police forces.
The days when a grizzled, semi-alcoholic detective only a few weeks from retirement would be paired with a bright but slightly arrogant rookie, fresh out of college and desperate to live up to the reputation of his dad-a precict legend-would seem to be over.
Chief Constable of Lancashire police Alf Wippetthwaite told us "It used to be the most effective way to solve big cases-serial killers, Eastern Bloc arms dealers, South American Drug Lords-mismatched parterships could solve them all."
"As they realised just how similar they were, usually through shared experiences of car chases, gunfights and homoerotic posturing, they would mould into a crime fighting unit that would be capable of taking down any racial or cultural stereotype you care to name, even a Japanese Yakuza gang who employ expert Ninja fighters"
The new statistics show that better healthcare and psychological support for veteran officers, and a slower programme of integration for new recruits, has led to an atmosphere in which bonding is more difficult than before.
New recruit Tom Kapowski, fresh out of the academy and desperate to emulate his father Stanley 'Big Stan' Kapowski, who was head of CID in Croyden for twenty years, is a prime example.
"Two days after I started the job, me and my new partner, this old guy about to retire or something, were shot at in a cafe. He started rambling on about how he knew who had done it, 'Sanchez' or someone. Turned out it was just some local thugs, and this Sanchez guy really did die when his diamond mine was blown up-I think, I wasn't really paying attention to be honest".
When questioned about whether the car chases and fights atop speeding buses had led him to bond with his older colleague, Kapowski replied; "We tend to use surveillance and DNA tracking now, there's too much paperwork involved in commandering a schoolbus to chase down two Russians on motorbikes. We just issue an order to look out for them at ports and airports, works every time."
The Home Office wouldn't comment today, but there are bound to be questions about whether the lack of formulaic plotting, explosive action and cheesy sentimentality in our police forces today is leaving us vulnerable in these troubled times.
56 yr old veteran DI 'Grizzle' McPartland summed up the despondant mood; "Damn you Yakitori, you killed my wife, my dog and my partner, I ain't gonna rest until you, or me, has been taken down"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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