Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 4 February 2012

image for Local Man Stocks Up On Cold Beer To Beat The Big Freeze
Shuttlecock Going Up The Shops Pissed Last Year

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed how he prepared for the imminent big freeze blizzards, by nipping up the shops wearing odd gloves and carrying a rucksack, to stock up on beer supplies in order to get the better of the furious blizzard which hasn't happened yet.

Only last winter, Shuttlecock came a cropper during a cold snap, when he ran out of beer and was forced to make the short, treacherous trek up the shops in arctic conditions to replenish his beer supply.

On that occasion, after staggering, slipping, sliding, and bravely maintaining his footing on slick ice, Shuttlecock was denied the right to purchase beer by a stroppy shop assistant who accused him of being 'pissed.'

Shuttlecock indignantly denied being in a state of intoxication, claiming that everybody was lurching about - because of icy conditions underfoot, and not because they were intoxicated.

Despite Shuttlecock revealing that he had seen several people fall on their arses, and that it was more ice related than drink related, the stuck-up store manager continued to refuse to sell him any alcoholic beverages.

So Shuttlecock went to another shop a few doors up and bought his beer there. He even managed to make it home without falling on his arse.

Despite the best attempts of mother nature to thwart him.

"I wasn't having that again," Shuttlecock told a nosy neighbour. "It was embarrassing. So I went up the shops early doors and filled me rucksack up with Belgian amber. I won't let no big freezy blizzard beat me mate. Not on your nelly. Mind you, the rucksack weighed a bloody ton, and this blizzard - I'm still waiting for it to happen. Right now - it's just very cold. And a bit windy."

Long suffering wife, Anne, added:

"He really is a daft bastard. There was no point in buying all that beer. He'll only drink it all tonight, and then have to go up the shops again tomorrow in a blizzard. Assuming we get a blizzard, that is. The daft get."

"Cow!" Shuttlecock responded. "At least I drink the bloody beer! What about all that shite you buy off eBay and never fucking use? Eh? Eh? And tell 'em about the seventeen bags of cooked chicken you got from the bargain bin in Tesco's? And the fifteen you threw in the bin because the bloody freezer was already stuffed to the gunwales! And all the extra cupboards you bought to put your crap in because you'd already filled all the other cupboards! Tell 'em about that you fucking hypocrite!"

"Bollocks!" fumed long suffering wife, Anne.

Neighbours fear that a serious domestic is on the cards at the Shuttlecock residence.

More as we get it.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 3?

5 17 6 21

Go to top