Written by IainB
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Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Manchester Mole Thieves - most underpaid thieves in Britain?
The cash machine was completely emptied by very determined, but stupid, thieves

Police are investigating the daring raid of an ATM, completely emptying it. The thieves, dubbed the Manchester Moles, dug a five hundred foot tunnel from an embankment to the shopping centre ATM; working only between midnight and five in the morning when there were no workers at the shopping centre.

"It was like a high school maths problem," said detective in charge, DI Paulette Plum. "We estimate that it has taken at least six thieves six months to dig this tunnel. They have to have done the digging late at night so that they were not overheard."

All of the soil, some five hundred tonnes of it, have been carefully spread around the embankment, and the hole covered with bracken and leaves.

"It's been a mammoth undertaking that's taken half a year of these thieves lives," said Plum. "It's a shame really, because all the ATM contained was a mere six grand."

It has been calculated that had the thieves put in the same amount of effort working overnight at twenty-four hour McDonald's or petrol stations, they would have taken home twelve thousand pounds over the same period. Each.

"With at least six thieves," said Plum, "they would have netted a grand each. Take out the cost of the materials and tools, and they're walking away with about nine hundred quid. That's pretty poor considering they probably worked all over Christmas and New Year."

Although police have no leads as to who the thieves are, they are confident that they will soon be caught.

"We're looking for people averse to bright light, with disrupted sleep pattern and dirt permanently engrained under their nails," said Plum. "They shouldn't be too hard to find. Although, is it worth it to catch them? It's funnier thinking of their effort for so little reward."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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