Written by IainB
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Monday, 9 January 2012

image for Chinese New Year and Burns Night merged
Help, they want to turn me into a Haggis

With Chinese New Year arriving just two days before the Scottish celebration of Burns Night, it has been decided to amalgamate the two massive events in the global calendar and have Chinese Burns Night.

"This is going to be phenomenal," said Wu MacArthur, owner of the Golden Shower Chinese restaurant on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. "This is the first time that celebrations from both my father's and mother's worlds will be celebrated together."

The traditional method of celebrating the Chinese New year is a parade with a dragon, followed by fireworks and firecrackers. The traditional way of celebrating Burns Night is by eating haggis and reading poetry. These two celebrations will take place on January 24th this year, the day between the two celebrations. This is a good date, as scientists have identified this as the most depressing day of the year 2012, and having a good celebration will cheer people up.

"In addition," said Jock Chang, owner of the Upturned Wok in Glasgow, "we're going to twist the skin on everybody's arms so that it hurts. This can be the start of a new celebration."

If the mash-up of the two celebrations proves popular then it may be decided to try and merge other celebrations that fall close together, such as Halloween and Bonfire Night, or Christmas and Hogmanay, which tend to be similar anyway.

"This will save time and effort," said Richmond Blotchy, the civil servant in the Time and Motion department of Hounslow Council, who dreamt up the combination celebration. "Nobody has enough time any more, and nobody can be bothered with the effort. Making this the ideal solution."

Blotchy denies that his ultimate aim is to have one celebration in the middle of the year on June twenty-first, which just happens to be his birthday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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