London - Some of the New Year's Honours List gong winners are so bad that police want to put them through a polygraph.
Notorious characters who have blighted the British Way of Life feature in the List, compiled in association with the London College of Sidekick (sic) Studies.
Former and actual jailbirds, Class One drug dealers, insider traders, mobile hackers, riot inciters and ex-News of the Screws executives are all in the frame according to the usual sources.
"Apparently lots of these con artists were picked because of their hexoplasm print-outs," a Barking Police Station taxidermist said today.
"Normally we'd just tell 'em to get stuffed, of course. But this year's Gongs Committee reckoned that just wasn't surreal enough, especially in view of the recent hoax royal wedding.
"Give 'em a pint of canary juice I say, works a lot quicker than hooking up all those daft electrodes, heheh."
Admittedly, rumors of a posthumous pardon for the Kray Twins, Adolf Hitler and the Old Queen Mum may be exaggerated.