Written by Alan Bama
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Topics: University

Thursday, 29 December 2011

image for Top University to Close Down
The University of Buckingham ensured open access for all

The self styled "top" University of Buckingham is to close its doors for the very final time at Easter 2012.

Vice Chancellor and general know-it-all Dr Terence Kealey explained: "We've been quietly ripping idiot folk off for years but now that real universities are charging realistic fees there is no niche left for us.

"Our specialist subjects of bachelors degrees in Goofing about for posh folk not able to get into top 30 universities, or our masters in shopping, for foreign totty, simply aren't unique enough any more. Exeter, Surrey and Bristol do all those courses much, much better that us and they are based in proper places, with a bit of night life, as opposed to being in a field near Milton Keynes."

By closing at Easter they won't be giving out any degrees to those now paying-up for their final year. Other current students may be able to transfer to the Salford School of English, or the Bedford Bus company.

Kealey added that they would probably turn the university into a hotel for foreign sports writers for the duration of the 2012 Olympics and would later bid to become a holding camp for failed asylum seekers awaiting repatriation. "The mean IQ of our residents will actually go up!" he exclaimed.

Other Vice Chancellors were unsympathetic. "Basically Buckingham was crap. And expensive crap at that" said one of Kealey's colleagues.

Do you any anybody who has a degree from Buckingham? If you do then pour scorn on their qualifications and scratch an L plate onto the back of their company cars.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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