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Sunday, 5 February 2006

image for Menzies Shocker: "I Was A Sapphic Spy"
Campbell - "My teeth are my own business. I don't show them to anyone".

Liberal Democrat leadership candidate Sir Menzies Campbell has admitted that he is a lesbian and once worked for the KGB. In a frank interview with The Disaster, Sir Menzies (pronounced ‘Mingus') disclosed that he has also been responsible for gun-running, prostitution, running up massive gambling debts and spray-painting lepers.
Sir Menzies (pronounced ‘Magnus'), a founder-member of the Nazi Party, says that he has ‘decided to come clean about the past' in the light of recent revelations concerning other leadership candidates, and that he is ‘sure the Party will judge me on my suitability for addressing the task in hand'.
Viscount Menzies (pronounced ‘Mangrove') went on to dispel any rumours linking him to his brief flirtation with the Khmer Rouge: "I did at one time act as adviser to Pol Pot, but it was an unpaid position, and the rent from the fields was donated to charity. It's time to concentrate on the future".
Baron Menzies (‘Moonbeam') went on to dispel any false impressions in relation to one of his earlier posts - during the early 1970s - as night-watchman in the Watergate Building: "I was a student at that time. I took the job to pay for my degree course. I'd already saved a little bit of money from 1963, when I worked at the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. My course sponsors, the Republican Party, kindly allowed me to study whilst I was working. I was even given a direct phone link to President Nixon himself'.
Sir Mineshaft went on to expound his ‘vision' of the prospect of a Liberal Democratic government: "For too long the Labour and Conservative parties have dominated British politics. What is needed is a Centre party bold enough to break with tradition, and I am sure that with the goodwill of the voters, the rub of the green and the financial assistance we receive from Murder Inc. we'll do it. I know from my time spent as a member of the Baader-Meinhoff Gang that it is entirely possible".
The Conservative Party reacted to Sir Mongoose's statement with a capricious air of pejorative aplomb: "He's an arse", said a spokesman. "They're all dodgy. I certainly wouldn't go fastening my shoelaces with any of them around". The Labour Party declined to comment.
Sir Monkfish will address next week's gathering of the Party's National Council on the theme of ‘Regeneration, Renewal and Reinvigoration' with a particular emphasis on ‘Loopholes and How to Spot Them'.

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