Written by Chris Ashby
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Topics: employment, Jobs, work

Monday, 5 December 2011

image for Young People Apparently Want Jobs
"Why would anyone want to wash these all night?"

Young people are being criticised by senior political figures for their evident desire to spend the majority of their waking hours following orders and carrying out unenviable tasks.

"The lack of imagination is staggering," said Boris Johnson, Mayor of London. "One should want to swim, and run around, and play tennis, not wash dishes or type sales figures into a spreadsheet. Seriously, who actually wants that? Who, I say?"

Nevertheless, the UK's school-leavers appear to lust after the idea of taking crap from a low-level hospitality sector manager for up to ten hours at a stretch. "All I want is a chance to work," said Dave Higgins, a recent university graduate. "The pay doesn't concern me anymore - I'm just desperate for something."

"He said that?" David Milliband asked when we showed him our interview tapes. "What a loser. That guy needs to take up a vigorous outdoor pursuit, or learn the sax."

"No one wants to go to work. I can't emphasise this enough," said David Milliband, in a press conference rushed out before we published our article. "Chill, young people of Britain. You really shouldn't be competing for a lurid, degrading uniform the cost of which will be deducted from your paycheck; you shouldn't hunger to be around the same seven or eight people you'll gradually come to loathe more than you ever thought possible; you shouldn't ever pick the chewing gum from a can of beans with your bare hands because the only way you can tolerate your minimum-wage employment is to convince yourself you're taking the initiative.

" 'I don't know what to do with myself,' complained one sixteen year-old I spoke with today who, with a probable seven decades ahead of him on this planet, is convinced that a gig at TopMan asking people who'd really like him to leave them alone if they need help will give him the purpose he is lacking. Greg, I told him, sit around in a coffee shop and judge the people you see around you: this is a riot."

"We give them £53 a week to dick around with," Boris told us. "What more can we do?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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