Written by Ludwig Van Hire
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Sunday, 4 December 2011

The Bishop of Barnsley caused outrage yesterday when he announced he had undergone a surgical operation in which he was irreversibly conjoined with a pederast.

Monty Python's 1973 LP Matching Tie and Handkerchief includes a sketch called 'Elephantoplasty' in which John Cleese interviews surgeon Reg Le Crisp, played by fellow Python star Graham Chapman, and is heard to say "Some years ago you were the centre of controversy, both from your own medical colleagues and from the church, when you grafted a pederast onto an Anglican bishop."

"That line always made me laugh" explains Peregrine Prosser, the 69 year old Bishop of Barnsley. "Now it's like a dream come true."

Prosser spends every second of every day with convicted pedophile Raymond Bloemquvist quite literally grafted onto him. For the jovial Bishop it appears this was a means of controlling Bloemquvist's reprehensible activity.

"I can keep an eye on him now" said the Bishop at the last synod in Wakefield "and keep him on the straight and narrow." Despite the fact that the pair agreed to share vital organs in what amounted to a groundbreaking medical procedure neither it seems has any regrets.

"Raymond is a different man now that I can see what he gets up to. And we're both big Python fans so that's even better".

Prosser has long advocated draconian measures for "Those interfering swine" as he has often termed the offending clergy. Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, said in a press release "He is a man of great conviction and has taken extraordinary steps".
Local parishioners witnessed them first hand on Sunday when Prosser and Bloemquvist in an extended cassock nearly tumbled down the steps leading to the intricately carved wooden pulpit at Barnsley Cathedral. "It's a bit of a tight fit to get up there" said Prosser after the ceremony "but we made it thanks to a helping hand by the rector."

The Bishop has since been inundated with complaints from parishioners and church officials alike who fear for his sanity, unable to fathom why he has taken this unprecedented action. One lifelong devotee of the Bishop, Barry Tramway, who has vowed never to set foot in Barnsley Cathedral again, was heard to declare "Prosser - more like Tosser if you ask me. What's he want to go and do a thing like that for eh? F**k me!"

Others have been more understanding. "It's about time the church was seen to be addressing the problem of errant affection" said churchwarden Emily Brazenhurst, "He's getting involved in the way he deems best and we have to respect that. The Bishop has always been very hands on so this is very like him. He's good at turning people's lives around. I applaud it."

Raymond Bloemquvist was not available for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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