Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Jeremy Clarkson

Saturday, 3 December 2011

image for Jeremy Clarkson slams people who throw up shellfish under trains
Scene of devastation just outside Ruislip on the Amersham commuter line

London - News that the norovirus - or winter vomiting bug - is endemic in 99% of British oysters has hit Clarkson badly.

The Top Gear presented has told reporters bits of shellfish carapace are always clogging up the Barking to Dagenham line.

"It causes massive commuter disruption which, if not dealt with pronto, makes for some dreadful pongs during the summer months."

Clarkson also praised London's brave Crustacean Line tube drivers whose misery at running over steaming piles of partly digested Lobster Thermidor was the very stuff of legend.

Only last week a two foot high heap of crab salad and moules marinières very nearly derailed the Eurostar just outside Calais.

A persistent outbreak of a very dodgy cocktail of tequila slammers and Marie Rose-dressed Coquilles Saint-Jacques regularly disrupts the Waterloo to Bournemouth 17.04pm.

"These people are sick," a platform inspector at Marylebone station commented today.

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