Written by Matt Brown
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Topics: Unemployment

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Feelings of total ambivalence overtook each other today as 2,000 mud-slinging, disease ridden peasants of the underworld descended on Trafalgar Square.

Cries of outrage and shrieks of gay abandonment were heard for miles around as thirty years of animosity came to a head. It is regretful that the local beat-bobbers were not prepared in time to deal with the onslaught as many scrawny time-wasting lounge-layers could have been bottled up and arrested.

There were some rumours that half of the potpourri-force had been given free tickets to Madame de Pompasaur's Museum of Magical Mountains and Allegory by HRM Blobby, but times have changed and this couldn't possibly be a case anymore. Why? Well because they said so and that is that.

Ex-Minister in Primark Tony Blair had this to say, ''We shall fight them in the bus shelters, we shall fight them in the subways and we shall even fight them at the McDonalds drive-thru (Clapham branch), but we will not fight them outside of TK-Maxx, Maplin's or Tigers for Tots as this is their home territory and it would be too dangerous''.

Banksy (No not THAT one) came out of the house of commoners to mind his business when he was dealt an almighty surprise or two as 2000 plaque wielding, gin soaked, pot smoking, travelling troglodytes were stood at his doorstep. As Banksy had a penchant for stabbing things where it hurt, much like Robin Hood in days of yore, he was confident of abating the gathering malaise. However before he could unleash his terrifying bounty on the hoard of moaning Lee's and Lisa's , the just in time police came along bearing bouncing rubber bully's and this soon drove the mob back.

After the 2,000 learned that their protestations may go unheard they started to set fire to wooden benches and little doggies. In response to this, the metro neo-polices ordered 10 tonnes of salt to throw into the wounds of all dissenters. The Un-PC Plod-Wallopers were too high and mighty in their own heads and their sheer lack of intelligence along with the true belief that the planet may soon spin directly into the sun meant that they started to cool and they returned to the hinterland, mein herr.

These jobless youth or workshy freeloading benefit scroungers, as they are more commonly referred to, have now begrudgingly agreed to a deal that will see an end to this massive tete-a-tete. Conversions rumbled on all night and tea and biscuits were thrown back and forth behind the doors of 10 Downing Street as both sides attempted to thrash out a deal. It was announced at 7am this morning that a compromise had been struck, but that was as far as the spokesman would go as he was quite fat and lazy.

Details are sketchy, but we understand that as part of this deal with the devil (Germy Smile), who is screamed daily on eye-tee-hee-won, eye-tee-hee-won-ploos-won = two, prisoners must feel anger, then shame, then hope followed by a gloomy acceptance that they must change. Germy must give prisoners a false sense of accomplishment, a good shouty word or two in the ear but not too harsh and must always feel superior to them whilst preaching the virtues of being Germy Smile. Mr. Smile may occasionally be allowed to forego forbearance on special guest prisoners and beat the living shit out of them.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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