London - HM Elizabeth, Queen of Mean, is splurging out a stonking 69p each on Christmas fare bulk orders for loyal Palace staff.
Instead of the traditional extra week's wages employees 'are getting the bum's rush' with bottom-of-the-range Insanesbury's Christmas puddings and budget mince pies.
"Forty years of service and whaddyaget?" backstairs footman Alf Grubbs commented on the festive handout.
"A right royal laxative recipe fruit pud minus the Andrex; still got the scars from last year's purge."
Grubbs' co-workers are among the nation's lowest paid after the idea of upping staff wages to a national minimum was branded extravagant in 2001.
Average Palace pre-tax pay now tops £9,000pa - and that's before the taxman takes a 30% rake-off from the value of the Christmas bonus puds.
At last year's Palace 'office party' staff were encouraged to 'bring a bottle'..."and were then charged a fiver each for corkage by the Queen's sommelier," according to Grubbs and his hard done by colleagues.
"Still, could have been worse, couldn't it?" Grubbs added thoughtfully.
"At least we aren't working for Prince Charles - whose famous fungal toenail clippings Dodgy Originals Christmas shortcake caused a mass outbreak of the winter vomiting flu last year."
An Insanesbury's 'Waste The Difference' Xmas pud retails at £1.49p.