Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 19 November 2011

image for Al Pacino Founds Dorking College Of Extremely Loud Shouting
Who Put That God-Damned Picture On Here The Wife!

Shouty voiced American actor, Al Pacino, star of such unforgettable films as The Godfather, Serpico, Scarface, Dog Day Afternoon, Heat, Scent Of A Woman, and Bobby Deerfield (?) has founded the world's first College Of Extremely Loud Shouting - in Dorking!

Mr Pacino is internationally renowned for his brilliantly understated portrayals of quiet, reserved, film characters who never, ever lose their tempers or get irritated in any way, so it comes as something of a surprise that he has elected to invest a sizable chunk of his personal fortune in the foundation of an educational establishment, which educates its students in the art of extremely loud shouting.

"I'm a quiet kind of guy! Very reserved!" Mr Pacino told the press. "And if there's one thing that really bugs me, it's people who shout all the damned time! I don't know what's wrong with them! But what I do know is that they get all the God damned attention! So I decided to set up the college in order to enable ordinary, untrained people to achieve the ability to shout down anybody else who happens to be shouting at the same damned time! We'll pretty soon have the greatest shouters in the world! Right the hell here in downtown Dorking! You can take that to the Goddamned bank! Suckahs!"

The usually conservative citizens of this sleepy Surrey market town generally welcomed the presence of the College Of Extremely Loud Shouting in their midst, with one noticable exception...

Dorking Head Of Libraries, Ellie May Grunge, told reporters:

"I don't mind so much about the college itself. It's the bloody students that worry me. I'll tell you! If they think they're going to lounge about in my bloody libraries shouting and screaming and carrying on, then they've got another think coming! I shan't bloody have it! Although that nice Mister Pacino chap is more than welcome to pop in for a cup of tea and a slice of battenburg cake. I rather enjoyed his performance in Frankie And Johnny with Michelle Pfeiffer, but he'd better not start fiddling about with my library computers. He'll have to join the library if he wants to start touching up my buttons! I'll say!"

Explaining his decision to locate the shouty college in Dorking, Mr Pacino said:

"It came about after I read this terrific new book, co-written by some really wacky people from website www.TheSpoof.com It was called 'The Dorking Review', and I devoured it. Rabidly. Several times. The book inspired me to visit the town. I came, I saw, I had a game of conkers with some speccy schoolkid, and I fell in love with the place. And THAT is how I conceived the idea of the SHOUTY COLLEGE! And IT'S CHEAP! Only nine hundred and ninety nine pound a term! Check it out on:

www.alpacinosdorkingcollegeofextremelyloudshouting.co.yuck"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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