Written by Mile-O
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Topics: Death, London

Monday, 23 January 2006

image for MoD Claims Whale
The Whale - Already A Killer?

London - The mysterious and tragic death of a bottle nosed whale in London has been neatly solved by Her Majesty's Armed Forces. In a statement to the press, Omar Abrams, today confirmed rumours of a military connection.
"We regret to announce that a Private First Class was the victim of a tragic incident in central London, over the weekend. The solider was lost in a military exercise which suffered a hiccup, leading to the tragedy. We'll be sending our deepest condolences and a Japanese science vessel to his friends and family."

In a small ceremony, just off the coast of Greenland, HMS De Winter was observed offloading a coffin the size of a lorry into the icy waters, draped in the Union Jack and the Flag of Greenland. Refusing to confirm the burial at sea as that of The Whale, Jan Smorgsson, Mayor, told AP between sobs, that the ceremony was "dignified and what he would of wanted".

So far there has been no comment from No.10 on the name of the soldier. But Sam Ceeder, government spokeswoman, added "It is normal practice not to release personal information until the next of kin has been informed."

If the MoD is willing to keep the Whale anonymous a concerned campaign group has other ideas and has started to raise funds for a small memorial to be built, near Westminster Bridge, to commemorate the Whale. He will also be remembered at the MoD where it is reported he had many friends. The Whale is also expected to be posthumously awarded the "Blair Cross" which is Britain's highest medal. When asked about the plans for a memorial, Mr Ceeder commented "I wouldn't want to comment but I think a fountain is appropriate. Don't you?"

As yet no information has been released on The Whale's unit or deployment history but The Spoof's experts suggest The Navy "might be involved.".

In other news highly trained missile carrying dolphins, who escaped from a military base near New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, have been spotted in Afghanistan. The CIA are offering undisclosed amount of mackerel for information leading to their whereabouts.

If you believe that you might be The Whale's next of kin or have information regarding the dolphins please contact your local police station.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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