A 95 year-old granny from Braintree was awoken in the night by a strange intruder hoping to burgle her pension and silver crucifix. The granny from Braintree always kept her brolly at the side of her bed and as the burglar intruded she "brained" him over the head with the brolly. She then pulled her alarm cord and the police arrived ten minutes later; late as usual.
The burglar, tied up on the granny's stained, carpeted floor, was still unconscious when they arrived and the granny, rather sloshed, had already downed two rather large glasses of cognac.
The police escorted the gentleman out of her flat and issued the granny with a summons for causing GBH to the burglar, she fainted and was also escorted out by the ambulance staff.
The burglar, with a severe headache, was released and told not to be a naughty boy again. The granny, also with a severe headache, was given a suspended sentence and will now wear a tag around her ankles for the rest of her life (not long) because the judge declared her a danger to society.
That's modern day Britain for you!