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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

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Pressure is mounting on the Home Office to tighten up border controls after revelations that orders were given to reduce passport checks at major airports.

Earlier, the Home Secretary answered questions in the House of Commons about the controversial policy and stated that she had "only done it to annoy Nick Griffin". Although her reasoning was applauded by members from both sides of the house, there were still calls to review procedures.

It is clear that behind the scenes a great deal of work is being done. We have been given exclusive access to a leaked Home Office document outlining new, soon to be implemented directives. Some of the main changes are shown below:


  • Anyone entering the country with excessive quantities of cigarettes, alcohol or hard drugs will be offered the opportunity to buy a "Border Controls Bag for Life" for only 10p to help ease their transit through the airport.
  • Non EU passengers who arrive having been refused a Visa will be given a pre-approved application form for a Mastercard.
  • If border control officials suspect that a passport has been falsified, for example if it is written in crayon or made out of cheese, the passenger should be put in touch with a far more professional forger to help them during subsequent visits.
  • Passengers presenting themselves to border agents who are sweating profusely, clinging to a device with a red button and appear to have bulges underneath their jackets with wires sticking out should be administered a hard disapproving stare before being allowed to clear passport control.
  • Long queues are sometimes unavoidable but wherever possible, extra staff should be made available to hand out benefits claim forms for anyone in the queue that looks like they need a bit of extra cash.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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