London fire fighters were sent a memo yesterday stating that every fire officer must consume two litres of water before going on duty. They will also be required to drink a further three litres of water when on duty at their stations. The memo said that this order will apply to all ranks, without exception.
Government officials said the memo was sent out because many fire fighters were becoming dehydrated during watch duties and it was imperative that the men and women of the service remain on form.
Leading fireman Iggy Nite from London's Soho Blue Watch said: "Its a load of old bollocks. They want us to save water by pissing on small fires that we are shouted to. Last week, we arrived at a fire in the back garden of a house the owner had set light to their compost heap. Me an' the lads got the number two hose out and ran it in. The chief comes along and tells us "It's only a compost heap, does anyone want a piss?" Course, we have drunk so much fukin' water, all six of us pisses on the heap an' it goes out, saving the tax payer about five hundred quid in water rates".
Chief Fire officer Len Dusamatch said: "The government think my men are made of asbestos how close do they have to get to a confligration to put it out? We are not all made the same - some men can piss further than others and they will they be given enhanced pay. What we need is two strong young handsome well oiled naked boys...I mean men that can hold that hose and point it at the flames".
N.U.F. leader Bryant May claimed: "Whitehall think we use the water to clean our cars and water the flowers in the stations. Every drop we spill is in the line of duty putting out fires that save lives and make the community a safer place to dwell. And yes, we did win the national finals of the Urban Flower Garden competition so what if a few of our members have swimming pools and Koi Carp lakes. The water they use is a perk of the job it in no way impacts on the public's council tax bills".
The government stands by its memo and due to an increase in the amount of compost fires will continue with its mandate.