Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 2 November 2011

image for Local Man Abused Yet Again - This Time On A Monday!
I'll Keep My Money In Here In Future! Prick!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, has revealed that he was subjected to unwarranted abuse, yet again, but this time, unusually, it was on a Monday. The incident occurred as Shuttlecock was en-route to work on his bicycle, and as he stopped off at a cashpoint up the shops in order to check the status of his current account, as he had a bill to pay the following day. He was challenged and abused by a drunken old fart, who happened to be using the cash dispenser.

"What happened, right," Shuttlecock explained. "Was that I rode me bike up there at lunchtime, following a heavy day on the piss, to check me balance, and there was this drunken old scrote fannying about on the cash machine. So I pulled up, dismounted, and waited by the wall for the jerk to finish whatever he was doing. I was all out of breath and that, on account of being a heavy smoker, and an alcoholic. Then this old fart turns to me and asks me if I've seen enough? As if I'm watching him key his pin number in, or some such bollocks."

According to eye witnesses, the aggrieved man then wobbled towards Shuttlecock and told him to clear off - to which Shuttlecock, apparently running out of patience, backed off a pace and told the silly old sod to get on with it as he was waiting to use the machine. The old fart said that he hadn't finished yet, and proceeded to try another handful of cards in the machine, as Shuttlecock fumed.

After extricating a solitary ten pound note from the machine, the crazy old git wobbled across the adjacent zebra crossing towards the kebab shop, pausing only to shout, "Prick!" at Shuttlecock. To the bemusement of several passers by, including young children.

Shuttlecock reported that he found that comment somewhat offensive, and for a moment, he considered going after the man and wrapping his trusty bicycle around the pillock's head. However, exercising restraint, Shuttlecock decided to ignore the slur and continue to go about his business, unhindered.

"He just wasn't worth it," Shuttlecock related. "I'd only have had to poke the daft bastard with a finger and he'd have been on his arse in no time. It just makes me wonder how fucked up some people are when they can get aggressive like that, at lunchtime - with somebody who could destroy them without expending a great deal of effort - and for no reason. I dunno...maybe he saw Skoob1999's YouTube Halloween drag video or something. That was pretty weird. Whatever, I certainly don't get it. He didn't look like he had two halfpennys to rub together anyway."

It seems that when Shuttlecock related the incident to a pretty beleaguered internet cyber-buddy, he was told that maybe wrapping his bicycle around the daft bastard's head wouldn't have been such a bad idea after all. Shuttlecock remained philosophical about the incident, saying:

"Wrapping me bike round the bloke's head would have been overkill. But with hindsight, probably the best option would have been to whack the bloke repeatedly about the buttocks wiv me bicycle pump. Chasing him across the zebra crossing and that."

More as get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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