South coast kebab, burger and pizza entrepreneur, Ali Bullo today announced that he has reluctantly banned Freddie The Zombie from a kebab van in Park Gate.
Freddie The Zombie, who has until recently proved quite popular with the locals, has been one of Ali Bullo's best customers, appearing daily at the kebab van, ordering double-cheeseburgers with mayo and king size doners with both chilli and garlic sauce.
Recently however, Freddie's popularity has gone into freefall as his zombification process has progressed.
"Me very sorry to ban Freddie," Ali Bullo told reporters. "Him have been good customer for many years, and him very nice zombie, but him rotting away innit, and bits of him start dropping off. Is no bladdy good innit. Him put customers off kebab, and me no sell pizza for days. Customers lose appetite when see bits of Freddie's head fall off. Is sad but him have to go. Me have to put customer first."
When asked for his response to the ban, Freddie The Zombie, shuffled about for a moment or two, and uttered the immortal line:
Locals seem to have mixed feelings regarding the banning order, with many expressing the opinion that as nice as Freddie is, for a zombie, he was putting people off their saturated fat laden fast food, so he simply had to go.
Help and support did appear though, as the sun went down over Park Gate last night, as satirists Nick Hobbs (Still pissed from his birthday bash) and Katarina Frogpond 2 came to the rescue.
"This is a disgraceful way to treat a zombie!" raged KF2.
"My head hurts," groaned Hobbs.
Skoob News is delighted to report a happy ending to this whole sorry episode, as Hobbs and Frogpond relocated Freddie The Zombie to a new kebab van a few miles away in a lay by on Hamble Lane, where Freddie is reported to be settling in nicely.
"He just lies under a pile of dead leaves in the woods all day, and hangs out around the kebab van of an evening," KF2 said. "Everybody seems happy with the arrangement."
Ali Bullo was quick to wish Freddie all the luck in the world with his relocation.
"Is sad about Freddie," he said. "But me have to put customer first. And staff. Is no easy cutting kebab when zombie standing behind you growling him head off and bits of him face falling off making mess on pavement. No worry. Him happy undead now. Is all good innit."
More as we get it.