Written by yesmelord
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Topics: Fraud

Monday, 10 October 2011

image for "Lord" Fat Eddie - The scandalous world of Britain's fattest conman
A red carpet outside Eddie's Manchester home

Infamous fraudster and phoney patrician "Lord" Fat Eddie has been sentenced to seven years in the nick after swindling the government of Sierra Leone out of £4.5 MILLION pounds worth of beef.

Judge Peter Tesla, sentencing, called it a "Devious and gluttonous crime" and added that "The real mischief of this fraud and the fact which makes it so serious is not the amount of meat obtained - the really serious aggravating feature is the cholesterol damage."

Edward burst into the public eye as a chubby teen organising the legendary "Gut-crusher Balls", parties for porky ponces to pig out on a lucious buffet courtesy of daddy. Scandal followed after allegations that dog meat had been served out from vats to the youngsters. When questioned on the accusations, Eddie commented "I wasn't aware of this until it was too late. I was told they would provide butler service, it was only once the catering suppliers brought the vats and ladles in that I realised the promises had not been upheld".

He started calling himself "Lord Eddie" after winning the title for successfully completing an eating challenge at his favourite all-you-can-eat restaurant, the Dorchester greasy spoon in Davenport, Manchester, where he was said to dine every night.

More recently stories of orgiastic eating parties at Edward's home at 66 Portland Street, Manchester started circulating in the press. Known as the "Killing Cattle" parties, these events allegedly featured a paddock full of live cows, who would then be slain before the diners and cooked on a giant barbeque taking centre stage in the dining hall. A string of A-List celebrities including pop idol slob Rik Waller, Michelle Macmanus and Eamon Holmes have been photographed attending events at his house.

But it seems that the only food Eddie will be looking forward to now is the canteen grub of HMP Dartmouth Prison. His family and friends have expressed little surprise at the conviction. "We always knew he was a bit of a shit" said a source who did not want to be named. We tried contacting his Asian girlfriend for comment, but she was found to speak no English.

Let's see how Eddie eats his way out of this one...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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