Written by Chasdad
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Thursday, 8 September 2011

A London Colney office cleaner who works at Arsenal's training ground has admitted using the Arsenal fax machine to mastermind 5 late transfer window signings.

Arsene Wenger returned this week to London Colney to find five new signings had been made in his absence. Wenger jetted off to France during the final days of the transfer window for UEFA meetings and media slots for the French international matches.

A stunned Wenger said "the average age of these transfers is 28, someone at the club should have known I had not signed them".

The office cleaner, who can not be named for legal reasons claims that he was disgruntled at The Gunners loss at Old Trafford and that Wenger had left the country. Whilst vacuuming Wenger's office he sent a fax inquiring about the availability of Park Chu Young, within hours the player was on his way to London.

The cleaner confessed that it all started off as a joke at first but having made one signing, he thought he would try some more. Following Chu Young, came Andre Santos and Per Mertesacker.

On the final day of the transfer window the cleaner continued to persue signings, he said that Everton had become suspicious about his inquiry into Mikel Arteta and the deal was nearly off. However, the player became so focused on the promise of Champions League football that Everton ceased questioning the dubious way they received the offer for the player.

In addition, the cleaner managed to secure Yossi Benayoun on a year long loan, and received a brown envelope from a Premier League manager to not sign Gary Cahill.

Wenger was asked why he had not known about the transfers despite there being so much information in the press, Wenger replied "I did not see it".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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