Written by Mark MacDonald
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Monday, 8 August 2011

Phone giant Tangerine have reportedly received a writ from a local Glasgow business after a communications failure almost had disastrous consequences.

The massive multi national communications company was warned, by a top lawyer, that it faced a lengthy court room battle for several failings that included "gross negligence" "breach of contract" and "false advertising". The local business, who claim that because of this failure, could have paid a huge penalty, and also lost significant revenue.

"Tangerine are paid by my client to provide a phone signal at my clients headquarters in Ibrox. It would appear the Tangerine could not provide this service after contractually agreeing that they could, and due to the fact that the signal in the area is intermittent then important conversations at critical times of the working day can not take place. Important business decisions therefore have to be made by inexperienced members of staff due to the failure of the communications devices supplied by Tangerine." said Donald Findlay QC

It would appear that an important phone-call was being made to a telephone in Helensburgh that was allegedly cut short. The junior manager was then left to make a decision in the heat of the moment on his own. The junior manager was seen at half time shaking and shouting in an uncontrollable manner half baked instructions. It is believed that a member of staff at the Ibrox club was instructed to send a smoke signal, and if that didn't work then a carrier pigeon from a former employee by the name of Duncan Ferguson was also suggested.

Neil Lennon a manager at a rival company takes up the story "I was doing a spot of painting in the house and the phone rang. It appeared to be from Ally McCoist. I was surprised to get a call from him. He seemed distressed and accused me of blocking the Tangerine signal to the Ibrox area using a sophisticated piece of mobile phone jamming equipment that can be easily found by people like me. I had to laugh as I had forgotten that they were playing. His language was well out of order, for a tv personality as well. I was shocked to say the least"

During the fifteen minute tea break/half time break McCoist tried on 25 different mobile phones in the dressing room to contact a Mr Smith in Helensburgh but all phones were supplied by Tangerine. Shouts of "who's still got Walters number in their effing phone!" were over heard by Jim Jeffries in the away dressing room.

"I was giving my team talk, which was easy because we were one up on them. Ally came in begging me for Walters number because he deleted it when he was pissed and was too ashamed to ask him for it again. He had two phones on him, apparently the Rangers goalkeepers but couldn't find Walters number. Mcgregor has two phones for all the birds numbers he's got, after 10 minutes both of us couldn't get to W. I was at Becky and Ally was on the phone to one of them." the Hearts Manager added.

It appeared that McCoist then sprinted up the stairs to the Chairmans office and tried from the land line there. A PA announcement was also made to the supporters that an Emergency was in progress and if anybody could supply the manager with a phone they would get a free blue nose burger. One Rangers fan who presumably misheard the announcement tried to swap a phone for a burger and was refused.

The chairman's secretary continues "I was surprised to see Alistair, mainly because he was running up the stairs, he told me when he caught his breath to phone Walter straight away it was very important. I'm sure I seen a tear in his eye so I had to phone him quick."

The phone call was frantically placed with some success saving the business some money.

"Well i was in the house when i noticed it was half time. I was surprised when the phone didn't ring. I started pacing about the house and kept checking my phone but nothing. Then it rang but stopped immediately. I quickly checked the missed call but nothing. I checked the voicemail nothing. I rang the number back and nothing. I was getting very worried because it's really not like Ally. So i jumped in the car. I wouldn't make it before the end of half time but i would get there for the 55 minute or something if the Erskine Bridge was quiet. Just like old times eh, usually i only need to walk down the stair. I phoned Clyde 1 and the put out a broadcast telling drivers if they see me or can hear Bon Jovi being played loud to pull over. The Police were excellent they even gave me a police escort. But Ally managed to get a hold of me. I was upset I didnt get all the way. I cant tell you what he said."

Craig Whyte, the incumbent Chairman said "I cant say too much but this kind of thing shouldnt happen. We should be playing on a level playing field just like everyone else. We should and will be compensated financially for this"

A spokesman for Tangerine said "We will be issuing a counter claim for copyright theft. When they all wore Tangerine for Dick Advocaat in the Scottish Cup Final to make a Holland flag we didn't say anything?"

Make Mark MacDonald's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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