Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

image for "Footballers? -  They're All At It!" - Says Top Agent
"Well, If You're Sure You're A Proper Footballer..."

It seems that no matter how much football's governing bodies attempt to sanitise and paper over the yawning cracks in the moral aspects of the beautiful game, philandering footballers are here to stay.

As are dirty tricks, backhanders, corruption, and all manner of scandal.

Leading football agent, Cosmo Smallpiece, admits that he can't envisage any changes - no matter how radical - making any difference whatsoever to the seedy side of football.

Speaking from the plush lounge bar of a Nottingham hotel, Smallpiece's assertion that the high profile scandals which have tainted the game recently, are merely the tip of a huge iceberg, seems difficult to argue with.

He insists quite forcefully that they're all at it. From the Premiership all the way down to the Sunday morning pub team leagues, once the teams leave the pitch, they're all at it!

Like dogs. Or rabbits. Or hamsters or something.

Scientists at the Institute Of Shagonomics have even predicted that if footballers keep bouncing about on top of models, escort girls, reality TV show starlets and Essex type groupies, that the accumulated kinetic energy brought about by all that thrusting could actually uproot the British Isles and leave them stranded somewhere miles away from their present location.

Like Siberia. Or Mongolia, or Tibet or something.

"They can't help it!" Smallpiece said. "They're all at it! All the time! They never stop! Thrusting and heaving! All sweaty and gasping! You can't stop 'em! They're all mad for it! They..."

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Leaving Smallpiece chewing on one of his own shoes.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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