Written by Court Jester
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Friday, 13 May 2011

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Gladys and The Tips

Ahead of Andy Murray's charge to inevitable victory in this summer's Wimbledon the sometimes British though primarily Scottish tennis star is showing the perfect form in the build up.

Murray became the first player from these shores, since the last time anyone cared to look it up, to get through to the semi-finals of the clay court tournament in Rome. The tournament is due to be won by Rafael Nadal.

Murray has been kept in the dark regarding this for fears that if he failed to attend there would not be enough players for the tournament to go ahead. There is an outside chance that Novak Djokovic will be crowned champion, although not if he plays Murray along the way. Djokovic's camp has just released this statement:

"Novak has tired of beating Andy Murray in tennis matches. The next occasion that Novak is drawn to play Andy, we suggest the contest is decided by who can look the most constipated. This we feel will allow Andy a chance to compete."

The ground breaking news of Murray's epic three set match against a German player who had never before made it to the quarter-final stage of a Masters event, in an essentially meaningless competition, was met with poker face ecstasy around SW19.

Murray's record breaking achievement has had the bookmakers scrambling to adjust their odds for the upcoming grand slam tournaments.

Previously at 33/1 to win the French Open Murray now stands at 150 to 1 on, with bookies insisting that Murray is obviously going to break his grand slam duck before taking to the grass courts. However, not everyone in the take-money-from-people-who-are-stupid-enough-to-gamble industry is convinced.

Quizzing the CEO of newly founded bookmakers The Sugar Hill Gathering about Murray's chances of winning Wimbledon, Mr Bill Hill said:

"The British public have been brilliant at backing Andy Murray over recent years whenever Wimbledon comes around. This year though the smart money is on impressive newcomer Gladys Tomas, pictured here carrying her shopping. Gladys is 85 years old, of Albanian origin now residing in Berkshire, and a chronic sufferer of arthritis. She is also currently, as we speak, in multisystem organ failure. The punters feel she has a better chance of surviving until the final of the men's singles at Wimbledon than Andy Murray does."

Murray-mania is gathering pace in anticipation of yet another predictably anticlimactic exit from Wimbledon this summer. Don't leave the strawberries and cream out of the fridge for too long.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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