Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 6 May 2011

image for John Terry's Secret Weapon
JT - Saying Nowt.

In astonishing scenes this morning in a Brompton Road cafe, Chelsea skipper John Terry revealed that he has a secret weapon, but then flatly refused to disclose whether or not he'd be using it against Manchester United in Sunday's title head to head at Old Trafford.

"Of course I have a secret weapon," Terry said. "Everybody knows that. Lamps has one as well, and Ashley. I'm not sure if we'll be using them against United though. It just depends on whether I can get Chicharito in a tight corner. Over by the flag."

Looking relaxed and lightly tanned as he sipped a cappucino, Terry denied that Chelsea have secretly given up all hope of retaining the title, insisting that his team would slug it out until the bitter end.

"When you're talking about the Premiership," Terry explained. "You're talking about a marathon, not a sprint. There's a terrific spirit at the club, with everybody competing for places in the team, and we'll just have to take each game as it comes. We won't be relying on other results. Our fate is very much in our own hands. Other than that, there's not much else to say. If you'd be so kind as to excuse me now, I'm just popping down to the Tate Gallery. I love to spend a bit of quality time quietly contemplating a Turner before these big games."

One insistent reporter, however, continued to press JT as to what exactly his 'secret weapon' is?

"I'm not telling you," JT said. "My secret weapon is my business, and mine alone."

To which, one scallywag at the back quipped:

"I bet Vanessa Perroncel's seen it!"

JT just scowled at that.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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