Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Fairy Tale, Jersey

Wednesday, 12 October 2005

image for Vinny To The Rescue
A New Hero Promises To Lead The Jets Out Of The Swamp

An unmarked location in the Jersey Swamp over Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place---In a story book beginning to what may become a fairy tale season, tried and true, dipped in the caramel pot, upstanding, steadfast football quarterback Vinny Testaverde has strode proudly on to the contested field of football glory to lead the New York Jets to an astounding come out ahead victory.


"To the Super Bowl and beyond," Vinny said. "We're getting a new home and I want to lay out a kelly green welcome mat for our fans."


"But you're going to be playing in the Swamp," noted a cynical reporter, Rich Cimini, for a local big city newspaper, "The Daily News."


"So what," replied Vinny. "Shrek lived in a swamp and look what happened to him."


"But Shrek was an ogre," noted Mark Cannizzaro, a scribe for "The New York Post."


"He led a decidedly upbeat life," Vinny retorted. "He overcame adversaries with the prowess of his strong arms and broad shoulders and carried his cherished trophy pride Fiona on to a victory celebration at the regal castle that was held annually in the arena of outstanding victories over hardhearted adversities and worse."


"True," noted Karen Crouse, a "New York Times" reporter. "But Shrek had to overcome political corruption and other ills of his time."


"But this is New York and I'm going to throw the ball like I was Joe Willie Namath. Curtis is going to run the game plan like he was Matt Snell and Herman is going to call the shots, all over the place, if necessary. We shall overcome," said Vinny.


"But you're going to have to compete with Xanadu and pretend Jimmy Hoffa is not buried under the goal posts," Mike Lupica told him.


"Jimmy Hoffa was a victim of criminal minds working overtime and never dined in a skyline restaurant overlooking the fifty yard line. All Jimmy Hoffa did was rework old contracts. I'm the Jets Quarterback of the past, present and future and I say we are going to win."


"Win," agreed Curtis Martin.


"Win," seconded coach Herman Edwards.


"Winning is everything," agreed a crowd of fans standing idly outside the proposed stadium discussing the merits of the New York Jets playing in a stadium with the New York Giants in New Jersey because certain unnamed local politicians did not believe a new Jets stadium would get out the right kind of voter.


"We still have to figure out how to pay for a roof over our players (and fans) heads," said owner Woody Johnson as he ruled the impromptu press conference out of bounds on the grounds of political impropriety.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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