Written by Reddon
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Friday, 22 April 2011

image for Top Cop Predicts Old Firm Carnage
Right Lads! Get Reet Intae 'Em!

A top cop has predicted "utter carnage" in Scotland ahead of Easter Sunday's Old Firm clash at Ibrox Park between Rangers and Celtic.

Inspector Wullie McPherson predicted an upturn of up to 80% on domestic violence figures, principally visited upon wifeys who don't get back from the fridge fast enough with more cold beer, followed closely by fights in pubs as feelings run high and people take exception to having their pints spilled.

Given its history of sectarian and alcohol fuelled violence, it seems remarkable that the final Old Firm SPL game of the season has been arranged for a long, hot, sultry bank holiday weekend when emotions are predicted to be even more fraught than usual.

Extra vigilance has also been called for after nail bombs were sent to Celtic coach Neil Lennon and two prominent Celtic supporters, which resulted in Lennon being afforded police protection - even in the Celtic dugout at games.

"These were nasty devices," Inspector McPherson said yesterday. "Packed with nails. They could easily have taken someone's eye out. Or blown their faces off."

Extra police will be on duty at Ibrox, and throughout the city of Glasgow on Easter Sunday in order to prevent more people than usual killing each other on the day of one of Scottish football's most significant fixtures.

Both Rangers and Celtic fans appear unlikely to respond to pleas for peace, and are probably already sharpening the knives in anticipation of a slashing weekend.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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