Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 17 March 2011

image for In An Effort To Cut Down On Injuries, The NFL Is Considering Doing Away With The "Kickoff"
Players on kicking teams develop a strong bond as evidenced by Buffalo Bills players #56 and #77 shown holding hands.

CHICAGO - The National Football League's Safety Governing Council is currently meeting to discuss ways in which to make the game of professional football safer.

In the past groundbreaking new rules and regulations have included innovations such as putting more face bars in front of the helmets and making the helmets strong enough to repel a hit from a grenade launcher.

Other new safety factors that have recently been implemented include The Yard Line Marking Dust Amendment of 2009, in which all NFL stadiums were required to use yard line marker dust that is hypoallergenic, biodegradable, and mercury-free.

One rule that at first was met with skepticism, but which has now been hailed as one of the greatest safety rules of all time, is The Football Groin Cup Clause which mandated that the football cups be made from material that is so strong that they can easily withstand a direct kick from a full grown Missouri mule.

This year the NFL Safety Governing Council will be focusing on the ever increasing injuries that occur during a football kickoff.

It is no secret that during a kickoff members of both teams are running towards each other at ridiculously high speeds which have been clocked at up to 27 miles per hour.

Several independent studies conducted by non-NFL research study groups have revealed that since roughly about 81 percent of the players on the kickoff teams are just one step away from being cut from the team the intensity to do good is greatly increased.

And as a byproduct of this ingrained thought process are extremely dangerous hits and tremendously vicious collisions.

One player for the world champion Green Bay Packers, who did not want his name mentioned but who agreed to have his jersey number revealed (13) recently stated that when he is running down the field during a kickoff every semblance of sanity, sense, and safety goes out the window.

He added that all he is thinking about is hitting the guy with the football so hard that even his elderly grandmother will feel it.

In fact, last year in the NFL there were six confirmed instances of NFL players on kicking teams actually biting the ball carrier. The NFL has since mandated that this flagrant biting of the ball carrier will not be tolerated for the upcoming 2011-2012 season.

Another independent study has clearly shown that just in the first year that the Peruvian Football League (El PFL) banned the kickoff, injuries were reduced from 29 down to 2.

And actually one of the two injuries was not related to the game as a player for the Cuzco Goat Herders was kicked by a cheerleader when he made a remark about her muffin top.

And regarding the current issue between the NFL owners and the NFL players as to how to divide $9 billion in revenue it appears that no one is willing to give an inch so there very well could be a lockout which would cancel the upcoming season.

A representative for the NFL players stated that he just wants the football players to be able to feed their family's the way the owners do; T-bone steaks, caviar, tilapia, fajitas, sushi, and Duck A L'Orange.

Sports Territory Magazine reports that the average NFL player makes $2 million a year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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