Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 1 March 2011

image for Droylsden FC install a revolving door on the dressing room
David Spacey with the players' wages

Droylsden FC chairman and manager Dave Spacey has instructed builders to put a revolving door on the dressing room at his football club.

Droylsden who shot to fame when they put the tea ladies in charge of a local county cup match, and had four replays against Chesterfield in the FA Cup before being thrown out for fielding an ineligible player, have seen earlier season results start to falter and the playoff spots in the Conference North are receding.

"My players are not good enough," said Spacey. "I've got a wheelbarrow load of cash to throw at the right players, but bringing them in is proving tricky. Apparently Paul Scholes isn't available yet, so I'm forced to bring in dross like Lee McEvily. Evily by name, Evily by nature. He'll fit right in here."

Spacey has already brought in forty-two new players this season, and dismissed a similar number. The squad list for the season reads like a who's who of non-league. If the trend continues to the end of the season, there will have been more players through the gates than fans.

"What can I say?" said Spacey. "If we're not winning, it must be the players fault as I can walk on water."

Droylsden have reached the promised land of the Conference National once, and were relgated about three months later having recorded the lowest point tally ever seen in the competition. It has been pointed out to Spacey that if he spent some of the money on a manager who knew what he was doing, they would probably be a league club by now.

"I'm not bringing in some fancy pants manager," said Spacey. "I'm a multi-millionaire, and Droylsden is my toy, my hobby. It's like championship manager, but real, you know. That's how I treat it. I don't give a toss about the fans that come every week, I don't need their money; I've got pots of the stuff. The fans keep coming because they know that without me there would be no Droylsden FC. I also don't really care about the players, there's always more where they came from."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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