Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Drugs, France

Friday, 26 August 2005

image for Lance Armstrong:  "Zee French are a spineless bunch of snail-eating sore losers!"
Lance Armstrond defeats the French...

Taunted by French press claims that he took performance enhancing drugs to peddle his way to victory in the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong has begun to fight back.

"Those French bicyclists never stood a chance against top American athletes like me," said Armstrong. "The Frenchees were too busy hogging down big lumps of stinky cheese and drinking that swill they call wine. I always stayed in front of them during races - just so I wouldn't have to breath all the noxious fumes from those guys! I was able to peddle harder because I gobbled down a few Big Macs and chocolate shakes before every race. I never needed that EPO stuff; McDonalds was my secret weapon."

"I also made the most of good old American mechanics when it came to choosing my bicycles: none of that fancy French crap for me. I used a Huffy Classic single speed coaster on most of my Tour rides. On difficult legs, I would ride my Roadmaster with the big balloon tires. I could pump those suckers up a hill faster than any Frenchman no matter what he was ridingÂ… and I was able to fix my own bike with an 8" Crescent wrench and patch kit. The French might do better in their own race if they just bothered to take off those silly training wheels."


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Armstrong rambled on a bit about how the French were sore losers. "They're a whole country full of cowards who never won anything. They got the crap beat out of them twice by the Germans and they never got over having the Americans come to their rescue. They think someone who is French should always win the Tour de France. They're just so arrogant."

"I'm going to show those French a thing or two," said Armstrong. I've joined with a few partners and we're planning to open some new business in France. We're thinking along the lines of "Lance Armstrong's Wine and Cheese Shops".


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I can picture a whole chain of these stores across the French countryside and in Paris too. I want to stock the stores with good ol' American cheese and Boone's Farm wine - bottles with the handy screw caps. I figure we can take over at least 60% of their home market. They won't mess with me again soon.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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