Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Baseball, Steroids

Wednesday, 3 August 2005

Baltimore -- Oriole slugger Rafael Palmeiro has lashed out at basically anyone within earshot for what he says were vicious acts aimed at drumming him out of baseball because he's so damn good! The acts, he claims, resulted in his 10-day suspension for steroid use. He also blames baseball commission's appeals board for refusing to accept what he says is the tip of the iceberg concerning a secret conspiracy to use science against baseball's best.

After losing his appeal, Palmeiro is required to sit out ten games. But he's not content to just lay around and pout. Rugged Raffy is dead set on getting to the bottom of the vendetta and he wants to expose those evil-doers for what they are: "mean, dishonest cheaters!" With his reputation, no to mention a rather hefty paycheck at stake, it's no wonder he wants to save face, and a few bucks in the process.

Even while testifying before Congress, the Orioles mainstay kept certain knowledge close to his vest. He wanted to be sure he had enough to turn attention away from himself and toward the yet-to-be-identified conspirators. Apparently, he had for some time suspected tampering was involved in the dugout during both at home and away games, starting as early as pre-season. "I learned from an old high school batting coach that it's possible to get steroids into a person without the use of supplements or injections," he explained to Spoof News during a recent telephone conversation. "You can paint steroids onto batting gloves and helmets, you can soak it into uniforms, and you can coat bats with them. It can seep into your body without you even knowing it. That way, you'll pop positive on a urinalysis and look guilty when you're really not."

Asked if he was worried about maybe not getting into the Hall of Fame, Palmeiro said he expects to be fully exonerated once the facts are all in about his victimization. Raffy has submitted his used uniforms and equipment for independent laboratory analysis and he is confident the findings will substantiate his claim of never "intentionally" using steroids.

National Football League officials are looking into Palmeiro's allegations to see if such a scenario might be played out on the gridiron much as it may have on the diamond. At the same time, the National Hockey League seems little concerned about steroids. "It's the psychotic nature of the average player that's got us all bent out of shape over the on-ice violence they're prone to," responded one anonymous manager when asked about illegal drug use. According to the hockey coach, "Heck, we're considering the use of steroids as a means of calming the animals down a little bit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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