Oregon cat houses batten down the hatches at Rooney 'conditioning training' arrival

Nike Town, Oregon - (Offside Mess): It's Man U's equivalent of Coleen's recent Lourdes trip to pray for a nuptial miracle from the Virgin.

And it will see wayward striker Wayne Rooney put through his paces in an aversion therapy week to restore a hooker-soiled image.

Preparations in the sporting town are said to center on the immediate closure of all brothels within a 250 mile hooker exclusion zone.

Oregon State Highways Department sources said today the measures include the emergency shutdown of all roads 'and dirt tracks' to neighboring Nevada - where cat houses flourish under a legal loophole.

Wayne will instead hunker down in the therapeutic sports complex's supervision dorm which will monitor all his nocturnal emissions with vigor.

Mancunian hooker Helen Thompson is 69.