Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Thursday, 21 October 2010

image for Wayne Rooney Demands Assurances Over Asteroid Collision
Rooney fears asteroid collision

So Wayne Rooney says he wants out of Manchester United because the club cannot give him certain assurances.

Just what are they?

I spoke to my source at United. He told me: "Wayne's clearly a lad of simple desires and all he wants is to rub along like the rest of us. He asked us to confirm that when he went to bed at night, all the bad people went to bed as well."

There has also been the issue of asteroid collision. According to my source, Wayne saw a programme on TV that suggested the Earth was in danger of a catastrophic collision with an asteroid. He wanted to be told that this wouldn't really happen.

This is not the first time Wayne has needed reassurance to get him through life.

"After a visit to the zoo, he wanted to be assured that the animals were happy and hadn't been taken from their mummies and daddies. Of course, United were unable to answer these questions to Wayne's satisfaction, so the thumb went in the mouth and he sat in his sulking corner," my Man U source explained.

The club was able to confirm, however, that when he had his boiled egg at breakfast, real people weren't cut up to make his soldiers. But this failed to placate the England striker.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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