Written by IainB
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Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for Big Boys Alfreton Upset by Stalybridge Celtic's Youth Team
Lloyd Ellams celebrates his goal with a plastic sword

There was an upset of sorts in the FA Cup this week when the biggest team currently in the competition, Alfreton Town, were knocked out by Conference North side, Stalybridge Celtic.

Although bigger than Manchester United, Alfreton's misery was compounded by finding out that the manager's tracksuit was older than any of Celtic's players.

The original tie had ended 1-1 on Saturday, forcing the replay in Alfreton on Tuesday. This was seen by the Alfreton Fans as a walkover, and an easy route into the next round to play Warrington Town. However, when teenage Liverpudlian, Kristian Platt, knocked in the only goal of the first half, Alfreton had to sit up and take notice. They got back into the game with only minutes to spare when octogenarian Liam Hearn netted the equaliser, as many of the Celtic's team were distracted with thoughts of staying up past their bedtime.

In extra time, Alfreton hearts were broken when two very young strikers combined, Connor Jennings providing the cross, and Lloyd Ellams thumping the header home.

"I'm devastated," said Nicky Law after the match. "I've got a Now album older than the two of them combined. My team's packed full of experience, and these pups have snatched my dream away from me. I don't know how I can cope."

Jim Harvey, manager/baby-sitter at Celtic, was ecstatic. "I've got faith in these boys. Now, you'll have to excuse me, they've got homework to do, and the extra time has made it very late for them. I must put the cocoa on."

There was no celebrations in the bar afterwards for the Celtic team, as none of them had brought their fake IDs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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