Written by Elizabeth
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Friday, 29 April 2005

image for Glaser hopeful of a Man Utd Purchase
Man Utd's carpark yesterday

Paul Michael Glaser confirmed yesterday his intention to purchase UK Premier League football club Manchester United. Glaser, who made his fortune in the 1970's hit American police action series "Starsky and Hutch" playing Detective David Starsky has increased his bid to £1 billion.

When challenged on how he could afford it, Glaser stated "Geez, I make that much each week in royalties from the videos, DVDs and spin-offs, I could afford the whole premiership if I wanted, and West Ham".

Asked about his future plans for the club, Glaser stated, "during the half time breaks, I will pile up a load of empty boxes and crates full of watermelons and chickens on the pitch. I will drive up the tunnel on the offside two wheels and drive my trademark red and white Ford Torino through them while doing handbrake turns and body-rolling over the car bonnet to keep the crowds entertained - that should get the gate numbers up."

"I'm also going to take out those little goal posts and put in great big ones shaped like an H that the players have to kick the ball over. I intend to change the ball to an oval shape to make it more challenging and allow the players to pick it up and run with it." Reporters commented that a similar game already exists in UK." Glaser reposted, "yeah, but with the helmets and body padding it'll increase sales of merchandising in the company shop."

Asked if he would change the management structure of the club, Glaser said, "Former sidekick, Huggy Bear will be appointed Media and Communications Chief Executive."

When asked about his former partner in renegade crime prevention, David Soul, Glaser responded, "Hutch, as I like to call him, has a very successful singing career at the moment and is doing songs like "Don't Give Up On Us" and "Silver Lady". I don't think he has a lot of spare time, but as he's my mate there will always be a position in catering available to him."

Attempting to get a comment from David Soul, we contacted directory enquiries who advised us to get in touch with Pets at Home. "Which type of hutch are you after? Is it for a rabbit or a Guinea Pig" said the advisor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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