Written by Don Merlot
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Friday, 27 August 2010

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Scarey... but then you weren't at Villa Park.

Aston Villa crashed out of Europe to Rapid Vienna for the second year running, in desperate bid to maintain some level of normality at the tumultuous Birmingham club.

After Martin O'Neill's latent boredom rose to the surface, forcing him to quit, star player James Milner then joined Manchester City because he had "done a lot of running around for Villa last season and quite fancied a sit down every now and again." City's bench seemed the natural choice.

To quell the raging waters of Villa Park, caretaker boss Kevin McDonald said:

"It's time we get back to what we do best - pretending we're a big club but hitting one of the first hurdles in big competitions. Pulling Vienna out of the hat for the Europa playoff was a God-send."

The Viennese, consisting of 10 identical gentlemen with unlikely names, and spearheaded by a 9 foot tall centre forward with an equally forgettable moniker, lived up to their billing as "mediocre but good enough to see off this shower of shit", winning 3-2 in Birmingham and 4-3 on aggregate.

The travelling supporters unveiled a banner reading:

"YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE RETURNS"

- in a display of commendable awareness of the previous year's result, and exceptional English spelling for both foreigners and football fans.

However, a Villa spokesman confirmed that it was not a case of their worst nightmare returning, but rather it had never left. Emile Heskey (who missed a sitter from 3 yards before accidentally scoring with his right nipple) has been at the club since January, 2009.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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