Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Monday, 23 August 2010

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Rooney Issues Injunction Against Himself "I'm a classless mouth breathin prozzy shaghin scumbag"

Yes, that's right, it's another exclusive and another two fingers up at the legal establishment for issuing yet another nefarious injunction on behalf of yet another classless footballing multi-millionaire scrote...

I am delighted to reveal that the second player to have issued a super injunction against the press in the last week - gagging all media outlets from even discussing it - is England's favourite underperforming granny-shagger, Wayne Rooney. And staggeringly....Waynetta has issued the injunction against HIMSELF!

Although he could have chosen to serve himself with a gagging order for receiving fellatio in a Southport club two weeks before he married fat-fighters star Colleen or for regularly shagging call girls in Manchester over the last two years*; Rooney has instead opted to leverage tenuous human rights based laws to prevent the press from covering anything he mistakenly blurts out about his bed wetting, his scumbag brothers and mates coke snorting in the players lounge, his trail of used condoms which he leaves in ladies toilets after every night out and his constant bragging to England teammates about having exclusive electronic items etc. that actually turn out to not even exist.

Rooney is so afraid that his despicably low intellect will get him rumbled if he even speaks to a journalist that he has thus chosen to take the incredible step of banning the media from printing a word he says. We managed to extract a short statement from the overweight scrotum with very little effort (we dangled a Yorkie bar for barely 10 seconds in front of him before he dragged his knuckles over to talk to us):

"errrrrrr, yeah, well, yer know, at the end of the day like, errrr, dat booin an tha, yer know, at the World Cup an tha, yer know, it errrr, well, errrr, ok, ok, like, errrr, I texted this bird on me iPhone 5 which me sponsors blagged for me an we met up and tha and she noshed me off like but errrr, yer know, don't say nottin like cos I got a right to a private family life an tha so I don't want nottin gettin back to Colleen an tha cos it would cock up our magazine stories in Hello an tha."

When quizzed about his iPhone 5, he handed it to me to "prove meself an tha" who quickly peeled away the hand drawn "eye-fone 5" logo designed by Wayne in child like writing to reveal a bog standard version. Rooney maintained that "it's a special one off exclusive version tha Apple made just for me like cos I'm better than everyone else".

I pointed out to a flabergasted Rooney that he had just broken his own injunction. Rooney then threatened to launch immediate punitive legal action against himself and walked away smacking his own head like Rain Man (minus the intellectual abilities).

You really couldn't make this stuff up could you?

*Hmmmm, could this be true? Is there CCTV video evidence of Wayne getting a blowjob in a Southport club? Has he been screwing brass all over Manchester right up to a few weeks ago when he got rumbled by the press? Of course not, Mr Rooney is a fine upstanding human being, a loyal husband and father and an example to millions of children who idolise and aspire to be players like him. Aside from a stunning run of form that's continued from his outstanding World Cup performances; Rooney is a highly educated, deeply sensitive and kindly young man who lives a blameless life and shy's away from all forms of prima dona behaviour, obscene acts and temptation...

In other news, pigs have been spotted flying over South Manchester. Well, you could hardly call them pigs but where there's brass there's muck...

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