Written by Bertram Chapley
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Topics: London, Wembley

Friday, 15 April 2005

image for Wembley Stadium a Gonner
On the Move - Artists Impression

LONDON - Shock news has been released this afternoon that the yet to be completed New Wembley Stadium is to be demolished to make way for an Ikea Furniture Store.

Site owners have not confirmed the full extent of the deal but insiders say that there has been some form of trade off between Ikea UK Plc and the developers where the new National stadium will now be built in Bognor Regis on the site of an existing Ikea store.

Local residents in Bognor are furious as many had signed up to Swedish Language classes so they could understand what the hell they were buying. For example a Bådoör is in fact a bedside marital aid storage cabinet.

This revelation has left the Football Association with egg on its face as the 2006 FA Cup was to be the first match played there and they had only got three seats left for the game at the venue.

Bertie Fossett said at Head Office "This revelation has left the Football Association with egg on its face as the 2006 FA Cup was to be the first match played there and we have only got three seats left for the game at the venue".

We said we knew this before we had asked him and did he have anything new to add?

"Not really but did you know a Bådoör is in fact a bedside marital aide storage cabinet". Insiders say that Bertie has been seen taking delivery of such an item and what's more the drawers were allegedly fully stocked and all machines fully charged.

The original Wembley Stadium was built in Roman times about 44 BC and was razed to the ground to make way for a state of the art structure with a sliding roof and stainless steel urinals being the main features.

The venue was host to many famous sporting events such as the 1966 World Cup Final and the 1312 Croquet European Championships. Both events were won by England but in controversy in 1312 as the referee was shot in the eye with a longbow.

During WW2 the site was painted with invisible paint to prevent detection from Heinkel pilots as they were found to use the structure as a navigation aid to locate Oscars Chip Shop in Greenwich.

The last football match played there was England vs. Greece. England won the match 0 - 0

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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