Written by SpoofyDoofy
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 18 July 2010

image for Tommy Cooper's Capello Index: - Post 2010 FIFA World Cup.
Tommy Cooper's Capello Index formula is kept on Index cards stored in these draws located underneath the 'hallowed' Wembley!!

Wembley, North London: The Tommy Cooper Capello Index is a statistical system devised by Tommy Cooper to award players a score out of 100, which uses an objective system that measures and evaluates the performances of players.

Tommy Cooper's Capello Index uses a system of scoring, that takes account of every key event that occurs during the course of a match. Using a unique formula to measure player's contribution from both a quantitative and qualitative perspective, the score a player's action generates is weighted depending on the factors, where on the pitch they competed, their impact on the match and the importance of game.

Now that the FIFA World Cup tournament is over, the people behind Tommy Cooper's Capello Index have now launched the site, to reveal how poor the England footballers were rated.

Robert Green 51.67
David James 59.28
Glen Johnson 57.18
John Terry 60.48
Ledley King 57.50
Jamie Carragher 59.04
Matthew Upson 60.21
Ashley Cole 59.58
Aaron Lennon 57.64
Frank Lampard 58.58
Steven Gerrard 60.98
James Milner 59.40
Gareth Barry 57.50
Shaun Wright-Phillips 61.09
Joe Cole 55.45
Wayne Rooney 58.87
Emile Heskey 60.15
Jermain Defoe 62.47
Peter Crouch did not play enough minutes to generate a mark.

The highest rating of the tournament for England with a 62.47 scored, was Jermain Defoe. Robert Green only scored 51.67 after playing just one game and making a fatal mistake although, in fairness, he did earn back some credibility when he saved Jozy Altidore's shot in the same game against the United States. That Rooney's ranking is 1.28 worse than Heskey says it all for England. What a shower!

The revelation of the Tommy Cooper's Capello Index has gone down a storm with England Players, with outrageous calls bouncing around the world between Tommy Cooper's England stars. An unnamed senior England international said;

"Given all the controversy over our collective performance in the World Cup it is an absolute disgrace that the Tommy Cooper Capello Index is being criticised in some quarters."

Peter Crouch was dreadfully upset that he didn't get a score. Emile Heskey retired from International duty confident that he had beaten Wayne Rooney on the Tommy Cooper Capello Index.

All England players will get a signed parchment with their own personal Tommy Cooper Capello Index, with the words taken from the Tommy Capello-Cooper motivation sermon, stuck up around all England dugouts;

"Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.

    'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.

    'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'

    'Do you like football?' said Tommy.

    'Well not really ' said the Queen.'

    'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

Make SpoofyDoofy's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 4?

7 3 17 12

Go to top