Lance Armstrong, 38 year old 7 time Tour de France winner conceded the race today after falling helplessly behind despite setting a new world record climbing La Ramaz at 62.5 MPH leaving the rest of the pack far in his dust. It was the decent where Armstrong had problems, burning out his brakes and crashing 3 times at over 102 mph.
Tour officials, careful not to accuse Armstrong of cheating after 7 years of failing to substantiate any allegations of drugging, were whispering amongst themselves concerning allegations coming from the Greeks that Armstrong had been using nitrogen powered suppositories to give him an extra "push" when he needed it the most.
According to reports a German scientist had been working with the Greek cycling team on the suppositories, mainly because the rectum of most Greeks enabled the encapsulating of a 'much larger delivery package' according to the scientist, and confirming reports from a Canadian Proctologist, who would know.
A source who wished to remain anonymous, but who was close to Armstrong's last crash said he heard Lance yelling at his support team, "The things work great...but how the fuck do you turn the buggers off?"
Apparently, due to economic strife in Greece, Frogs are fleeing the country even as we speak, the suppositories weren't fully field tested, and were in the preliminary development stage.
It appears the suppositories, their patents, and an incomplete operations manual were sold off, along with some out islands catering to nude soccer players and their wags, as well as next years olive crop to gain some breathing room with the EU Council of Ministers and the IMF.
Sheryl Crowe, Lance's former favorite bicycle seat, confirmed that Lance had experimented with the devices in the privacy of their bedroom on at least one occasion before she called off the relationship.
"Hey, how would you like a guy in a full body suit a plastic helmut and a hard on crouched over you in bed yelling, "are you ready for LIFT OFF?"
With that, her eyes took on a far away look and she began strumming her guitar and singing the lyrics from "Super Star" :
"Hey man, it's a shame when you start to fade Diamond rings and sparkily things Won't make your shine stay
My little superstar, oh baby that's what you are My little superstar, oh honey you break my heart My little superstar, oh honey you know you are My little superstar, oh honey you break my heart My llittle superstar, you could have won, but you had to fart"
Lance Armstrong Crashed & Burned Today.