Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Thursday, 1 July 2010

image for Kim Sears - I'll Eat My Own Face if Murray Wins
Kim Sears - "Murray fists his Mother"

Kim Sears - pouty irritating girlfriend of pouty irritating tennis nerd Andy Murray - today threatened to eat her own face if the young Scot goes on to win Wimbledon.

"There's no living with him as it is. All he talks about is tennis, his mum, how his mum helped him get into tennis, how he plays tennis in front of his mum, how his mum developed his first service backhand return by popping balls at him like a Thai whore pops ping pong balls, I've had enough." whined Sears today as she quaffed bottled water and stuffed her face with a lettuce leaf in the players box, "I thought it would be fun to jetset around the world when I met Andy but all he wants to do is spend time with his Mum and act Scottish, it's vexing. I'm very vexed".

Friends of the the young couple have said their relationship has been strained for a while now and that she had only gotten involved with him when he and his brother Jamie met her and talked about doubles all night, a misunderstanding she now bitterly regrets.

"I couldn't be more pissed off" moaned Sears, "he came out onto centre court the other day and bowed to some bitch in one of the boxes, I felt a right idiot. Whoever she is she can have him for all I care - he's shit in bed anyway, he stops every two minutes to dry off with a towel, have a glass of Robinsons and pump his fist at his mum, it's just weird".

"If he wins Wimbledon I've decided to eat my own face in protest" snorted the horsey looking toff as she strode off to the players lounge, "I'm Murray's Mound not that hill full of plebian housewives, they can all choke on their strawberries as far as I'm concerned".

Since no-one gives a shit who wins Wimbledon while the World Cup's on; we can only hope that something exciting comes out of the world's dullest tournament. Whether that's Murray crashing out to some other tennis player with an equally dull personality or an annoying split arsed bint eating her own face - it's a win win situation for the nation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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