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Topics: Tennis, Wimbledon

Thursday, 24 June 2010

image for Isner & Mahut Face Charges as Multitudes of Sensory Deprived Fans Collapse & Die
Wimbledon: Fans Passing the Hell Out Left and Right Today

Wimbledon -- Tragedy struck Wimbledon today as hundreds of exhaustively bored tennis onlookers were rushed to local hospitals, including at least one man via wheelbarrow as local highways became log-jammed in emergency traffic.

Although the day began mundane enough as players John Isner & Nicolas Mahut played out their first four sets of the match, many in the stands suspected something severely awry when set five reached 18-18 -- well before the set was humanely halted at a mind-numbing 59-59 later in the day.

"I was pretty stoked at 6-6," one recovering fan stated whilst lying on the ground, a sopping wet towel wrapped around her face. "Then it got to 10-10, then 15-15.... By 18-18, I was convinced it was all a bad joke."

Likewise, others related their excruciating experiences.

"I was still laughing by 18-18," another supine onlooker stated in the midst of dumping a liter of Ozarka down his throat. "But by the time it got to 25-25, I was ready to hang myself. And, my God, but by 46-46, I had passed plum out after having swallowed my friggin tongue," the dazed onlooker muttered. "I guess I'm lucky to be alive right now."

Although many in attendance are still alive despite today's tragedy, a significant number aren't and thus are resting in peace as a result of their fateful decision to attend the dreadful match rather than stay home and enjoy World Cup play on TV.

"We've had two hundred fifty-six deaths today," a spokesperson for numerous hospitals stated for reporters covering the calamity. "And sadly, all are attributable to Acute Sensory Deprivation, or extreme boredom," she read, making her way through the prepared statement.

"By the Grace of God, however, we expect the remaining seven hundred twelve patients to make a full recovery," the spokeswoman continued, "although varying degrees of delirium over the next few months cannot be ruled out."

Authorities are mulling charges against the two perpetrators in question, Mahut and Isner, although astonishingly, none have been filed as of this report.

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