"Go f*** yourself in the a**, you son of a wh***" is what Nicolas Anelka is alleged to have told his coach, shattering the peace and tranquility of France, throwing a former superpower of the world into political and economic chaos. A study conducted by former bank manager AVX Shenoy a few hours after the disaster published its findings a few minutes later.
Taking a sample size of 1, middle-aged Indian Banker AVX interviewed 11-year old Michel Blanfour, a French boy. Below are translated excerpts from the transcript and findings from the study:
"So, Michelle, how has your life changed since the football team's embarrasing behaviour and downright un-winning form?"
"Go f*** yourself in the a**, you son of a wh***. My mum told me not to talk to strangers, pervert."
A few minutes later the gendarme picked up AVX and put him in a French jail. Young Michel continued to answer questions that Shenoy put to him as he stood in the line-up.
"So, the French football squad's problems, that's the thing that you worry about the most, isn't it?"
"No, not really. The fact that I have a girl's name is what's really bugging me. And then there's the economy and global warming. Football is somewhere like 87th on my list and the French football team is about 563 ."
England fans mull changing allegiance to France
England's unruly fans/gangsters are meanwhile discussing a "vertical integration" with the current French team. Analysts note that the English team has had no accusations of treason, hurting the nation's non-existent standing in the world or utterances of colorful expletives.
"It's a perfect fit," said AVX Shenoy after being released from a French prison."The French have a shitty team with the potty mouth, the British have a potty mouth and they use expletives every now and then. Therefore, the British cheering for the French will create a stronger Europe and ever weirder stories that will dominate newspapers around the world, distracting everyone from unprecedented environmental disasters and Pakistan getting more nukes.
So, despite claims of being otherwise, Nikolas Sarkozy's country is not heading towards becoming a "failed state". France's next generation is expected to survive and perhaps even be cheered by the British.
Independent report on French girls
While 100% of the males surveyed by AVX Shenoy reported little or no interest in the French team, two French girls interviewed by Thabish reported they (Audrey and Julie) were primarily pissed that France was stuck up enough to refer to themselves as "Le Blues" when practically every other team in the world had blue shorts and jerseys.
"That's a bit pretentious, isn't it? I mean to just refer to ourselves that way as if we're the only team out there wearing blue shorts. Plus, we're a bit vague as to what shade of blue we are."
When the results of the survey on young French male(s) was shared the girls surveyed expressed apprehension that they'd end up with someone with these kind of insecurity issues. "French women have been dating French men with girlish names for centuries now.
You'd think they'd gotten past this by now. I shudder to think what Napoleon would have been like if his name had been Jean-Marie, that's two girls' names according to the nitwit your arrested friend interviewed," said Audrey. "No, we can't help you with bail money," said Julie.
AVX Shenoy and Thabish's joint survey has been discredited by most in the highly qualified field of sports commentators including athletes gone to seed and models who can't act. Countries like Italy (which fired a South Korean player from the Italian commercial 2nd division for playing well, and winning against the Italian national side) and India (which loves to distract its populace from the 300 million poor people who shit under the sky) are reportedly taking notes from France's reaction and indeed having their English dailies live vicariously through the French team. Indian satirists are expected to follow suit.