Written by B. Alex
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Chelsea, Real Madrid

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Chelsea's quest to sign the best personnel to occupy each position at the club continued yesterday with a proposed £50m swoop for Real Madrid's Spanish superstar Mariana Josemi. Chief executive of Chelsea, Peter Kenyon, yesterday admitted that the club had made an approach for the 50 year old mother of four, claiming that "she's the best in the world at what she does, which fits exactly with the club's policy".

Josemi has worked at the Santiago Bernabau, home of Real Madrid, for nearly thirty years, and has won worldwide acclaim for her dispensing of refreshments in the home stand on match days. Josemi's speed, technique and consistency has attracted attention from some of Europe's top clubs, with Chelsea leading the race ahead of AC Milan and Manchester United for the grandmother-to-be's signature. Josemi's Spanish agent, Jose Esqualez, revealed that Chelsea "have shown a keen interest in Mariana, and have submited a substantial offer".

Chelsea's proposed deal was triggered by the sudden and shocking retirement of Alf Johnson, who previously managed the burger counter in the Old Shed end at Stamford Bridge, after his lepracy problems finally brought a premature end to his illustrious career. Josemi will undoubtedly be tempted by Chelsea's wage increase, taking her up to over £7 per hour before tax. Manager Jose Mourinho admitted that Josemi would be a "perfect" addition to the Stamford Bridge team. Real Madrid president Florentino Perez, however, yesterday denied that the club would be selling, claiming that "Real Madrid are not in the business of selling our best personnel". Many pundits however feel that Real will sell one of their prized assets, but only because of the promising youth set-up they have in Madrid - sixteen year old school drop out Jose Cesar already making waves amongst the locals for his excellent service at reserve team games, and many feel that he's ready for the big time. Kenyon didn't rule out the possibility of a cash-plus-player deal, with rumours that Chelsea might drop their offer to £30m but include either unsettled groundsman Lee Archer or waste of space Serbian striker Mateja Kezman into the bundle.

Make B. Alex's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 4?

6 15 20 11

Go to top ^